last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
