Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
