I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
