This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
