...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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