Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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