I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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