The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
