final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
