I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
