woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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