sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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