Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think my moral compass just broke
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
