Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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