i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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