You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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