After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
