Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
