Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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