I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
