this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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