Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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