when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
