I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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