I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
