My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
