Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
