Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize