I skipped work to stalk him.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
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