Sry I called you an 8
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize