What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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