She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
