Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
