she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize