she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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