i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
