I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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