I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
