I want to walk on stilts...naked
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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