i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
