whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
