I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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