Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
