he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
