the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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