dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
