literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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