Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize