I've blown a few things in my day
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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