I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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