I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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