I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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