Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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