I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
