It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
