I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
